IHS Tattler – November 2020 Edition

From the Kingdom

The Tattler reports the occurrence of an unexpected and likely temporary change in the Kingship. The former Sheriff of Nothingham has surprised the kingdom by capturing the crown. It was a close match until again, there was a break in the ranks of the opposition at the end of the game allowing the leading at the time, John, to take the game.

The Witch of the Wood

In an exclusive Tattler report, our investigative scribe, Scribe Steven, has explosive new video of a clandestine meeting between the rightful King of Catan, Misha, and the wicked Witch of the Wood. The news is not good for the newly crowned John. Although not shown in this video, Scribe Steven reports that the Witch warns of John being “castorized”. The rest of the Witch’s divinations are captured in the following video: https://www.facebook.com/516660555/videos/10164657248685556

Written by Scribe Steven

“I’m out tonight. Kind of pooped.”

Not surprisingly, the temporary King of Catan has refused his first challenge claiming fatigue. Ah, poor wittle baby was tiyard. In his own words, “I’m out tonight. Kind of pooped.” How many times will John duck challenges? For his sake, I hope it is before the 2-week time limit expires, in which he must accept a challenge or be forced to abdicate. This reporter has been on this beat for a long time and covered the rightful King of Catan’s reign and I cannot remember when he did not face a challenge; not when the Dragon Of Fornost ravaged the land, when the greedy Normans invaded the land or the upstart Shepherd of the Downs managed to wrest the crown for a brief time.
Written by Herald Harold

History of King John

For those of you celebrating the surely temporary ascension of King John perhaps you should know of his infamous past. He is famous for his involvement in the Magna Carta, for losing the crown jewels in the Wash and as the villain of the Robin Hood legend. History’s verdict on him has been thoroughly negative and no subsequent English monarch has wanted to be called John, but he had his defenders and still has. He raised taxes in England to unprecedented levels and behaved in an increasingly arbitrary way which, along with his failure in France, turned many powerful English barons, the Church and leading financial figures in London and the towns against him. Eventually, after years of what began to approach civil war, his opponents forced him to accept Magna Carta, which formally placed limits on royal power for the first time. John had not the slightest intention of keeping to Magna Carta and his opponents remained justifiably suspicious. He led his army of expensive mercenaries against the Scots, who had occupied Northumberland, and on into southern Scotland, killing and pillaging as they went. He then went south into East Anglia and attacked the homes and estates of his enemies there, forcing those he defeated to swear an oath to disregard Magna Carta. In May the heir to Philip Augustus, Prince Louis of France, landed in Kent with a sizeable army to back John’s opponents and claim the English throne. He marched on to London, where he was welcomed. The armed conflict swayed this way and that for months. John was in East Anglia again in October and
(cont’d opposite)

History of King John (cont’d)

passed through the town of Bishop’s Lynn (now King’s Lynn) on the south side of the Wash. His baggage train got trapped in quicksands and the incoming tide swept away carts, men and draught animals. Among the possessions lost were things John took with him everywhere, including, according to some chroniclers, sacred relics and other precious treasures. The English crown jewels certainly disappeared at about this time.John has been suffering from gout and was seized by dysentery. He went to Newark Castle in Nottinghamshire and from there, he wrote to Pope Honorius III asking for absolution and hoping for God’s mercy. Some of his few remaining supporters are with him, not notably the Charles the Shepherd, Justin The Wrathful Baron of Cosburn, Emmitt the Scribe and the Traitorous David Earl of Scumsbury.

Compiled by Crier Christopher

Add a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *